Hazards of Extreme Camping
By J. D. Adams
Seeking direction as a youth, I bought a compass and wandered into the savage heart of the wilderness. Oregon’s history came alive as I retraced pioneer trails and skied cross-country to skyline camps. Now, grizzled and trout revering, I offer this to show that extreme camping is so much more than surviving the crux of desolation in wet shoes.
Many campers have succumbed to their own camping equipment. Mummy bags were named for their tendency to shift around on the victim during the night, so you wake up facing an ominously shroud-like interior. Only by struggling absurdly with the sleeping bag can one return to the world of the living. Often during the struggle, everything in the tent containing Velcro will attach itself around the victim, creating a monstrous appearance. The flailing around will eventually roll the tent over, impaling the occupants on camping sundries and covering them with loose oatmeal. The modified mummy bag with a fuller cut is more comfortable and less likely to incite claustrophobic reactions.
Tents can function as rain collection devices, drawing moisture into the seams and through the fabric by a process still a mystery to camping scientists. Condensation and leakage collaborate to float the occupant on an inland sea, or upon rising, the victim is met by gallons of super-cooled water holding in the tent fly such that rebirth and amphibious regression are not unlikely. The stakes are high in the tent game, where experience with a good basic design like the freestanding dome tent will ensure dry and comfortable slumber. Before setting up your tent, inspect the lay of the ground for where water may pool up, and look overhead for precarious snags and branches.
The priming of gas stoves typically produces a fireball that is great for trimming those bushy eyebrows, also giving a hard outdoorsy look to the face. Working the stove is always great fun, a bit like being an astronaut and firing the afterburners. Some people get into character, shouting terms like “throttle up!” and “more power!” as they operate the pump and valves to avoid the dreaded “flameout”! Overcooking is the result, like your mother’s pork chops. Periodic cleaning of the stove hardware is necessary for easy starting.
Backpacks have come a long way from the L-shaped wooden frame and attached rucksack. The principle is still the same, to explore the limits of human endurance like Lewis and Clark on a bad day. The inner frame pack is more streamlined, allowing gazelle-like movement through the wilderness. Skiing and climbing is easier with a pack that is closer to your center of gravity. The exterior frame pack is the most comfortable for normal hiking conditions. Regardless of the type of pack, choose a model with wide, firm padding on the waist and shoulder straps.
Prior to mastering the telemark and snowplow turns, the novice skier will tend to hurtle out of control across the unsuspecting landscape; their approach marked by a cloud of forest debris and the raucous cries of tormented wildlife. Elk and bear stampede fearfully. Cross-country skiing with a full pack combines the grace of drunkenness with the feel of a military exercise. Once mastered, expeditions can be launched into the high country, where an altered state will settle in from oxygen deprivation, and annoying tunes may run through the head. Often giddiness will persist well into the later stages of hypothermia that can only be cured by fishing.

About the Author

I have worked with avionics, communications, computers, and consumer electronics. I honed my skills in technical writing during this time. Yearning to exercise my creativity, I broadened my writing topics to include history, the outdoors, and travel. I have been published in local newspapers and several Oregon travel websites.

There are a number ways you can go about marketing your
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It is possible, however to promote your business online with
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guerilla marketing style. This means using every free
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directories, free-for-alls, blogs, e-mail signature lines,
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Offline methods includes distributing newsletters with your
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A.M Wilmot is a writer and researcher on a number of topics
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Seinfeld
The Chairs

Prologue:

Jerry: Coffee is a miraculous drink. Just think of the miraculous chain of events that had to take place to create this beverage. Somewhere, somebody had to figure out to take Coffee beans, burn them in a fire for several hours, grind up the remains and then run boiling water through them. Just think of it. Thousands of years ago in the Colombian mountains there must have been a massive volcanic eruption which burned million of acres of coffee beans. Then the massive earthquakes and fallout crushed the beans. After the eruption, it began to rain and water passed over the ashes. So, here you have it, a Colombian peasant, his family killed, his village destroyed, clamors up to the steaming hot river and takes a swig. Sure every possession he ever had is destroyed, but boy, he sure feels perky!

For the rest of the episode please visit:
http://members.rogers.com/mwiner/seinfeld.htm

About the Author

This unaired Seinfeld script is an example of the comedic writing skills of Alex Reidiboim and Martin Winer

For any comedic writing needs, feel free to contact alex.reidiboim@utoronto.ca or martin_winer@hotmail.com

The above headline is absolutely true. If you’ve been looking for a way to make money with your own Internet business, without all of the work that goes along with it, you’ve just found it!

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All right … I can’t help myself. I just have to weigh in on “Intelligent Design”. It’s like looking at someone with a hump on their back. As much as I don’t want to comment, I just have to say somethingit’s the Larry David in me. When the president recently proclaimed that “intelligent design” (a.k.a., ID) should be taught in schools along side of evolution, I decided I had better learn more about what the president was suggesting. Although usually skeptical of President Bush, I really wanted to give this one a fair chanceyou never know when humps might become fashionable.

First I needed to understand what the heck ID is, after all, it clearly can’t be “Creationism” repackaged. There must be something more to it. What is the differentiator and why all the sudden hubbub? Also, if I’m about to throw centuries of evolutionary science out the window with the sea water, I better have a more definitive idea of what this new science is all about. So like any modern day investigator, I did a search on “Intelligent Design” in Google and went to the site at the top of the list, “Intelligent Design Net - Seeking objectivity in origins science”. It sounded promising.

It had an interesting home page. My attention was immediately drawn to a clever little moving image. A balance scale with “Design” on one plate and “Evolution” on the other plate is see-sawing on a table top tagged “Science”, with “religion” and “naturalism” crossed out. Oh yeah, under the word “Evolution”, ‘no design’ is written. That initially struck me as a bit unfair and unbalanced; anti-FOX you might say. So to even it out, I imagined that ‘no evolution’ was written under “Design” and decided to give the website the benefit of the doubt. It most likely was an oversight by the website owner, “Intelligent Design Network, Inc.”, a nonprofit organization that seeks objectivity in origins science.
I continued on.

“Objectivity results from the use of the scientific method without philosophic or religious assumptions in seeking answers to the question: Where do we come from?”

All right, now we are getting somewhere. This is about science, scientific method. Intelligent Design is science. Good. Nothing better than old fashion science discovery; something that rewrites all the prior science, turns it on its ears. It happens in Physics all the time. Sometimes scientists even prove themselves wrong. Just ask Steven Hawking. It’s about time the science of evolution was jolted in the same way.

I read on with my ape DNA all in a bunchnever liked the thought that we are related to primitive primates anyway.

“We believe objectivity will lead not only to good origins science, but also to constitutional neutrality in this subjective, historical science that unavoidably impacts religion. We promote the scientific evidence of intelligent design because proper consideration of that evidence is necessary to achieve not only scientific objectivity but also constitutional neutrality.”

Whoa … now stop right there partner!

What the hell does that mean, “…this subjective, historical science…”. I thought by its nature, scientific method was the gold standard of objectivity, not subjectivity. “Subjective science” is an oxymoron, no different from being “fairly biased”, which I was beginning to believe this website to be. Evolutionary theory has stood up to the rigors of scientific method. In other words, it is science and therefore, not subjective. So what are they getting at? Could it be that Darwin cooked the books on sparrow beak size and fly wing observations in order to sustain his philosophy of naturalism? Yikes. What a big jerk he was if he did!

And what about this idea that “objectivity will lead … to constitutional neutrality” What is meant by “constitutional neutrality”? I quickly found a copy of the Constitution and did a search on ‘evolution’ thinking that maybe old Ben Franklin snuck a little non-neutrality in therenot one reference, not a one. Whew … it’s neutral on it. And finally, is it true that it (I guess evolution) “unavoidably impacts religion”?
It took some digging but I think I know what is going on here. I think that you do too.

The trick being played here is casually stating that evolution as a science is subjective, moving it out of the realm of objectivity and into the world of subjectivity. A very wise consultant with whom I worked once told me never to wrestle a pig in the mud, they will always win; after all, it is a huge home field advantage. Essentially, by falsely setting up evolution as subjective theory, it moves it into the mud.

Evolution is a theory that has been proven over and over again in the theater of scientific method, where results are tediously measured, documented and analyzed by other, many times competing and doubting, scientists. It is not the space in which religious beliefs or philosophies fare well.

The deal is that Intelligent Design is subjective. It is a belief without scientific measurement. Its axiom is that there must be intelligent design (and therefore a superior creator; i.e., God) because a human being, for instance, is extremely complex and complexity can not rise or evolve haphazardly from less complex systems (e.g., apes). For example, you can place the parts of a watch in a jar and shake it until the cows come home and never create a working watch. It takes a watchmaker to make those parts work as a watch. Significant complexities must be intelligently createdthere is scientific evidence to believe so anyway. But where is the evidence of which they speak? Actually, all the scientific evidence seems to prove that complex systems can evolve from less complex systems; that if you keep shaking those parts way past the cows coming home, you just might get the watch.

Look, man thought forever that the Sun revolved around the Earth. We grudgingly acquiesced when science proved that belief to be wrong. All right, so we might not have been the center of the universe but we were at least the center of intelligent life, after all God planted Adam and Eve on Earth in his (never her) image.

Well, science, specifically the science of evolution and natural selection, has pretty much taken care of that matter. Needless to say, it is difficult for humans to give up this notion of being special, of being the center of God’s universe. I guess we are special all right but not in a way that makes us particularly intelligent; quite the opposite frankly. We are the only species I’m aware of that is the most capable and the most willing to knowingly eliminate itself. Well, maybe I’m being a little too dramatic when I suggest we are not superior to other species; after all, we have harnessed fire, designed the wheel and invented breast implants. But it is this fascination with being self important that stirs “Creationism” and its more highbrow cousin “Intelligent Design”. We just can’t get over this collective human ego thing.

Let’s face it; if there is a God who is responsible for the “goin’ ons” of this planet, he or she can’t be the brightest star in the galaxy so to speak. A truly superior intelligent designer would never have whipped up humans on the fly. I mean, right from the get-go with the apple and snake, and then the clothing issue, and then the need to send down some commandments because we were carrying on like idiots. And then he had to turn on the spigots for forty days and forty nights to get our attention. And, when none of that seemed to work, he eventually sent his kid to get us back on message with the whole heaven idea already, hoping beyond hope to get us to behave. And we still didn’t get it! That’s a lot of trouble and hard work for someone who had some sort of intelligent design in mind. At least I think so. It seems more like the work of someone who got a little carried away, a little too careless, couldn’t let it go after the apes, had to tinker with that whole self image thing.

That is exactly why evolution must be the real deal. I think we descended from less “intelligent” primatesan unforeseen accident. And only God knows where those early primates came from. Actually, I’m starting to think not only does God not know the answers to a lot of things but he doesn’t care any more. He’s moved on to bigger and better things, a little wiser I hope too! And nothin’ for nothin’ but I wouldn’t be shocked if God looked like a dolphin anyway.

I guess I can best sum this up by saying, if you want to have a discussion about “why” we exist, “intelligent design” is as good a set of beliefs as any. But the “whys” of something is not science, it is philosophical. If you want to know the how of something, you are talking science, where observations of the physical world are broken down and figured out in mathematical models. And when you allow the whys to drive how the hows are derived, you are in for trouble when science catches up. Such is the case of “creationism” being the why that drives this false how called “intelligent design”. It just ain’t so. So offer “intelligent design” in religion and philosophy classes, not in science.

I guess then I really have no quarrel with President Bush, as long as he has no quarrel with separating the discussions of “whys” from the experiments of “hows”. That is keep “whys” in religion and philosophy classes and “hows” in the science labs.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure he sees it that way.

This article was written by humorist Robert Crane. If you are inclined to like satire written in a disarming self-effacing style, this probably will appeal to you. Robert has a collection of similar articles, as well as short stories, funny images, poetry and even a TV script at his site: http://www.cranelegs.com

The site has been up since March 2005 and is fast approaching visitor number 10,000. It’s currently free and as wacky as ever.

1. We all know that fish travel in schools, but do you know some other plural fishey names?
A. Clutch
B. Shoal
C. Draft
D. Wave
E. All of the above
F. None of the above
G. B and C

G. B and C
TBD: It should have been wave though, don’t you think?

2. Can you name the phobia that means a fear of fish?
A. Ichthyophobia
B. Limnophobia
C. Entomophobia
D. Pantophobia

A. Ichthyophobia
TBD: If you have a fear of lakes you suffer from limnophobia, of insects you have entomophobia, and of everything its pantophobia.

3. How do fish hear?
A. They don’t
B. Through sound vibrations reverberating through the bones of their skull
C. Through their gills
D. Through their fins

B. Through sound vibrations reverberating through the bones of their skull
TBD: Fish hear without the aid of external ears. Sound vibrations reverberate through the bones of the skull to an internal ear. Fish also possess unique sensory organs called lateral lines. These canals along the sides of the fish can sense vibrations and, in some species, weak electrical fields.

4. What do you call a baby fish?
A. A guppy
B. A fry
C. A minnow
D. A baby fish

B. A fry
TBD: We guess that’s where the expression “small fry” came from!

5. How do Anarctic icefish survive in freezing water?
A. Special antifreeze chemicals in their blood
B. Extra layers of fat which earned them the nickname “Puffy Fish”
C. Constant high level of motion to keep blood circulating
D. There is no such fish

A. Special antifreeze chemicals in their blood
TBD: We would have thought this was a made up answer if we hadn’t researched it ourselves!

6. Just how much hot water can fish take?
A. Pot boilers in Ecuador survive in hot springs approaching 200 degrees Fahrenheit
B. Desert pupfish found in hot springs of western North America live in temperatures higher than 100 degrees Fahrenheit
C. Some fresh-water fish can take temperatures up to 80 degrees Fahrenheit without difficulty
D. Anything over 60 degrees Fahrenheit causes distress

B. Desert pupfish found in hot springs of western North America live in temperatures higher than 100 degrees Fahrenheit
TBD: We know we couldn’t live in those springs without cooking!

7. How high can a flying fish fly?
A. 6 feet
B. 36 feet
C. 60 feet
D. 360 feet

B. 36 feet
TBD: Their flight may consist of several glides, in which they repeatedly return to the surface of the water long enough to renew their propelling power. They rise to a maximum of about 36 feet into the air and glide as far as 200 yards.

8. Just how fast can a fish swim?
A. Never over 40 mph
B. Barely 50 mph
C. About 60 mph
D. Over 70 mph

D. Over 70 mph
TBD: The fastest-swimming fish are the billfish and the tunas. One billfish, the sailfish, can swim in bursts of speed over 70 mph.

9. Known as one of the fastest fish, tunas are also built for long-distance endurance. How far do tuna migrate?
A. 7700 miles
B. 770 miles
C. 77 miles
D. 7 miles

A. 7700 miles
TBD: Swimming as fast as 30 mph, they migrate as far as 7700 miles in only four months.

10. What are the biggest fish?
A. Whales
B. Whale sharks
C. Great white sharks
D. Leviathans

B. Whale sharks
TBD: Whale sharks can reach 40 feet in length. Yes, whales are bigger, but they are not fish. Fish are cold-blooded and breathe underwater using gills; whales, on the other hand, maintain a warm and constant body temperature.

You can enjoy more trivia created by Deanna Mascle at A Trivia Break, The QuizQueen, and Trivial Topics.

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Memory is a very tricky thing, at least for me it is. Looking back, over a year’s span of activity my memory seems to pick and choose what it remembers. It amazes me not so much what a person remembers but what a person forgets.

Often some old-timer will moan about how much he misses the good old days. I’m not sure if he is thinking of World War II or the great Depression. I’m positive that during the great Depression some wonderful memories were created, but I’m not sure anyone wants to return to those thrilling days of yesterday.

The bad was not as bad as we remember and the good was not as good as we boast.

Some things are best forgotten and some things should never be forgotten; my trouble has always been remembering which is which. (Personally, I don’t know the difference between “which” and “that.”)

Several things about the old year bear serious consideration. The past year, in my opinion, was not just one year but several years flowing together. Sometimes I’m not sure which year I lived.

The year 2004, like all its brothers before it, actually consisted of three years.

First, there is the year that really was. “Just the facts, ma’am.”

I’m a little fuzzy about this one. For one thing, looking at my checkbook entries (at least the ones I remembered to enter) the past year was a completely different one than I recall.

I really do not recollect having all the fun indicated by my bank statement. Why is it that no matter how much money I put into my bank account, more money comes out.

Evidently, some phantom creature has access to my checkbook.

President Ronald Reagan was accused of voodoo economics. Reviewing my bank statements, I could be accused of “Who-do” economics.

My income tax statement is another perplexity. I can never figure it out. If the government said I made that much money, I must have made that much money and owe that much in taxes.

Speaking of the government, what I don’t understand is how they know how much I owe, to the penny, along with millions of other Americans and cannot find Osama bin Laden. I know exactly how to solve this conundrum.

One surefire way of finding him is leaking to the government that Osama bin Laden owes taxes and he will be caught before April 15, guaranteed.

Second, there is the year I re-member.

By Rev. James L. Snyder

This year is much shorter than the previous one, for some odd reason. The year I remember had only two months; this month and last month. And believe me, “last month” is a stretch for me.

Honestly, I remember paying the electric bill, contrary to what the electric company says. My problem with the electric company is that during the space of a year they send me 12 bills and I can only remember two.

They penalize me for screwing up but they do not credit my account when they screw up — like being without electricity for four days — twice this past year. Oh, that I remember and remember it well. In fact, if my memory serves me correctly it was more like 90 days.

I remember deducting the monthly service charges from my bank each and every month. Well, maybe not “each and every” month. Why those three checks bounced is beyond my comprehension.

Should the bank charge a larger fee for a bounced check than the face value of the check? I don’t think so. Isn’t it the bank’s business to keep their records straight? Why do I have to spend so much time each month on my checkbook account?

Last, but certainly not least, is the year the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage remembers.

At times, I am tempted to think (at least it’s what I call thinking) my wife lives one life and I live something altogether different from hers. The things she remembers that took place during the year are beyond my remembering.

I am beginning to believe she remembers things that never took place. Of course, and I say this with all sincerity, I would never contradict her memory.

For the life of me I don’t know where I was when all these things happened that she says happened. Nor do I know where I was when I promised to do all those things she said I promised.

Even in my right mind, (of which I don’t have much left) I would never concede to help remodel the family room. I would never accuse her, heaven forbid, of taking advantage of me in this area. The thought is not a stranger inside my head, although rational thoughts are.

King Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, framed his thoughts this way, “Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth, while the evil days come not, nor the years draw nigh, when thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them;” (Ecclesiastes 12:1 KJV.)

Solomon’s idea was, “now” is more important than “then.”

The Apostle Paul had the right idea with this matter of remembering. “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13-14 KJV.)

It is not important how much I can remember about the past, as long as I don’t forget to set Christ before me in all I do in 2005.

About the Author

Rev. James L. Snyder is an award winning author and popular columnist living with his wife in Ocala, FL

I don’t like being mentally ill because it means that sometimes my mind can’t understand things as well as healthy minds. I know that I am inferior to the big Incorporated Corporated Conglomerated Companies who are successful and whose minds are not ill. Personally, I don’t think of myself as being mentally ill, but rather I have a brain that has a mild cold or is allergic to normalcy.

I own electrical appliances. I have two Ethernet routers that don’t have switches to turn them on or off. I have an amplified antenna for my television that plugs into an outlet, but it doesn’t have an on or off switch. I have a DVD player that has a low power/standby mode, but while in that mode, a small light is displayed. When I hit eject, insert a DVD, and play it, that light goes off. I have an external zip drive that may have a switch, but if it does, it’s shunted onto another dimensional plane and inaccessible to me.

I have a scanner that gets its power solely through a USB cable, and I will go to my grave trying to figure out how that is even possible. It doesn’t bother me otherwise, because it appears not to use any electricity, nor does it require an on/off switch.

When did appliance manufacturers stop installing on/off switches into electrical devices? I would whisper the word, “conspiracy” if not for the listening devices strategically located throughout my home, planted by the FBI. My only consolation is that the bugs planted by the CIA often cause interference with the bugs planted by the FBI. I found one of these bugs two days ago, but it didn’t have an on/off switch, and it really made me mad. I had to see my anger management counselor. He sent me to my therapist so I could cope with feelings of loss and abandonment caused by the lack of on/off switches in my life.

Is it possible that the company I get my electricity from has made secret deals with companies that manufacture electrical equipment? I like to think that anything is possible, because I’m a very optimistic person. If I weren’t mentally ill, I would probably be much more accepting of society, and stop grieving over the loss of my beloved on/off switches. I would trust that there are no conspiracies, because if I believe in conspiracies, that makes me a paranoid mentally ill person. It’s true that there have been conspiracy theories proven, but if I believe in ones that don’t exist — or are not proven yet — then I need to start taking medication so I won’t be so very mentally ill and paranoid.

I have to go now; Oliver Stone is waiting for my call. I don’t have an on/off switch on my cordless phone charger, so I need to plug it back in; my other phone might stop working and I’ll want to be sure my cordless is fully charged if that happens.

by Andy Alt

You have a your own private workout gym for your sense of humor. A place to keep it toned and healthy. It’s your imagination. And the good news is that if you know how to worry you know how to use your imagination. This means you have no reason not to start your humor exercises right now.

Worry is nothing but your imagination in chains. Humor is your imagination freed.
There is no restricting your imagination. With it you can see yourself flying like a
bird, slaying dragons, being President of the United States., zipping around like
Peter Pan. It’s your imagination that allows you to “see” yourself and your situation
from other than the usual point of view. Most importantly your sense of humor
needs your imagination.

But how do you bring the two together? By practice! That’s the way you learned to
talk, to walk., to ride your bike, to swim. So it is with
imagination and humor. It’s practice

And it’s not difficult. A former editor of a humor magazine once wrote, “Day and
night the staff thought funny and nothing else. We looked over everything for the
joke that might be in it. Consequently, we came up with one-liners, laughable
incongruities and cartoon ideas…” (emphasis added)

That’s the way, you let (not force) your imagination to explore situations for the
“joke that might be in it.” Not all of the time. Not 24-hours a day like the magazine
staff did. That was their job. But you can practice enough to be proficiently aware of
the humor in your living.

One humor workshop leader, Virginia Tooper of California, included a “humor walk”
activity in her Humor Therapy session. Her groups took to the streets looking at the
common and the ordinary through new sets of eyes by “thinking funny.” This is
nothing more than letting their imagination key off of objects and events that met
the eye and waited for something to show itself.

Try the humor walk yourself. You can do it any time, on the street, at work while
walking down hallways, around home, standing in a line.

Signs are good to practice on. One I once saw in the post office: “Over 40,000 pieces
of mail delivers on time every day.” My mind added, “And 80,000 pieces delivered
late.” Not a side splitter but good enough for a little self pleasure.

Using this humor-walk idea in a workshop of my own, a couple came back to the
group carrying a flyer promoting membership in a church hymnal society. The copy
on the flyer included the word “hymn” extensively. When the woman read aloud with
we listeners construing “hymn” as “him,” the comic effect was rollicking. In fact, we
had to take a recess too give time to recover from our laughter.
By giving yourself permission to purposefully think funny, you will be well rewarded
no matter where you are.

Being open and alert to humor does not mean closing yourself off to your other
sensitivities. The sense of humor does not monopolize your system. Just as you can
use your sense of sight, sound, and touch at the some time,so can you your your
sense of humor in conjunction with other needs.

You can be in that heavy meeting, understand the seriousness of the deliberations,
and at the same time see humor in it. Because of that you have freedom to be more
responsive to the issues than you have been before.

It’s too bad that common belief has it that humor is incidental to the important
matters of life; The truth is that our mind and body need humor. Without it life
cannot amount to much. It becomes but a dull routine, with pitifully small rewards
for the labor involved. Life without humor must surely be hell.

Lord Houghton said that the sense of humor was the “just balance” in the faculties
of man. So remember to keep that balance in whatever you do. Live your life with
humor. You’ll be richer for it. Imagination and practice is all you need.

(c) 2006 Cy Eberhart

As a hospital chaplain Cy Eberhart, (now retired) was a firsthand witness to the
entire spectrum of human emotions: personal successes and failures; the deepest
despairs and the great peaks of joy. Two questions remained foremost in his mind:
How was it that some could find inner strengths that brought courage and hope and
others could not? What was to be learned from these experiences that would have a
positive and creative effect for daily, routine living?

His lectures, writings, workshops, book In the Presence of Humor and his living-history
performances of America’s famed humorist
Will Rogers offers some of the
answers.